Broken Families?

I generally have an easy-going personality. I really do. It takes a lot to get me worked up – I usually have no problem letting comments slide right off my back.

But every time someone expresses surprise that my daughter is “doing so well … considering everything” I get this little urge to punch them in the face. The same goes double for the people who use the phrase “Broken family” to describe our family. Those people mean well – I know that they do. But comments like that make some pretty big – and quite negative – assumptions about my family.

Broken things need to be fixed. They are not the way they are intended to be. If something is broken, there is something inherently wrong. The same goes for the (very well intentioned) concern about how our daughter is “dealing with everything.”

Here is the bottom line: We are precisely the family that God has called us to be – and our daughter’s life is better for it. It is your idea of family is that is broken.

A couple of months ago, I showed up at my daughter’s school for a class party. There were not many parents there, so the kids gathered around me. My daughter was explaining her family to her friends, “This is my Dad. I have another Dad, too. And I have two Moms.” To which her friends properly responded: “You have two Dads? No fair!”

Children get it. Children are jealous of the child who is privileged to have two dads and two moms -- two bedrooms and FOUR sets of grandparents to spoil her. It is adults who have hang-ups, not the kids.

Not every divorce works out well. Many don’t – and that pain is very real and important. But I don’t think we can any longer assume that divorced parents are not parenting well together – working together for the well-being of the child. For many families – mine included – it can be the best solution.

And for the children in those situations it can be a real blessing. Four parents to surround you with love. Four parents to guide you and care for you. Just because there has been a divorce in our family does not mean that our family is broken.

How many children grow up in a home that is loveless and cold, because Mom & Dad are staying together “for the good of the kids”? How many children grow up feeling neglected and ignored by one of their parents? Regardless of marital status, those homes are broken.

What it means to be a family is changing in so many ways. So the next time you have a conversation with a divorced parent, stop and listen. Don’t jump to conclusions about how they relate to their co-parent and what it means for their child. Just listen.

Our family is not broken. In the last 3 years, our family has grown larger. In the last 3 years, it has grown to be more loving, and more caring. And I think that is not a cause for concern – it is a cause for rejoicing.

Can we – the church – rejoice with those who rejoice? 
Can we set aside our judgments, and celebrate love-filled families that look different than we expect?

Want to Get Married?

Weddings are expensive.

That's the wisdom, and the research backs it up. The average cost of a wedding in the United States is almost $30,000! And remember - that's just the average. Lots of people are spending a whole lot more than that.

Each year, more and more couples postpone their wedding - they think they just can't afford it. Even if you have the money for a big wedding, it is an easy choice. You can make a very nice down payment on a house and start your life together - or you can have a big wedding. And for many people, it just isn't even an option. The money simply isn't there.

There are lots of ways to cut some of those costs - having just gotten married myself, I know what it looks like to count pennies for a wedding service.

But even more than cutting costs, I want you to know this: You do not have to have the big wedding. 

The wedding ceremony itself is fairly simple and has zero cost associated with it. Some vows. Some prayers. Some blessings. None of the expensive stuff we have built up around weddings is required. None of it. Expensive dresses that you only wear once. Tuxedos. Rings. Fancy invitations. Limousines.

You don't need all of the expensive extras to have a wedding. 

Vows. Prayers. Blessing. End of story.

In fact, a wedding service is really about the community. Saying your vows before God and the community of faith. Theologically it's not a private party, but a public event - a public worship service.

So here is my invitation to you:
Come and get married at Prairie Hill, during Sunday worship. No cost. 

Don't let cost keep you from getting married. Don't get caught up in all of the extras that have become a part of the wedding industry. God, community, and your beloved. What else do you need?

If you have been waiting until you have enough money, if you have been putting it off because you can't afford it, then come and say your vows to your beloved before God. Let us ask for God's blessing on your life together.

(Image copyright churchart.com, used with permission) 

Jesus and Divorce?

(Proper 22, Year B)

A colleague of mine said this week that too many pastors do not want to preach on this Sunday's gospel lesson, Mark 10:2-16. It seems that the assumption of many is that preachers do not want to come close to the touchy subject of divorce.

Not me. A short three weeks after the day my second marriage was solemnized, I am itching to preach this text. Unfortunately, I made the decision back in May (before had even looked at this Sunday's Gospel) to preach on the Old Testament text, and so for the next few weeks I am preaching on Job (also a text that needs to be heard).

But the fact that I am not preaching it does not mean I can't share my thoughts with you!

Many pastors this Sunday are going to talk about divorce, and that's a good thing. Those who are dealing with the hurt and pain of divorce need to hear their pain addressed. Very often, divorce is just ignored, because it makes people uncomfortable. But this is not the Sunday to talk about divorce.

Let me be clear - as one might guess - my theology of marriage and of relationships does not teach that a second marriage after divorce is adultery. I do not think that divorce is the worst thing that can happen in the course of a relationship. But that is a topic for another time, because this Gospel text is not about divorce.

Throughout the Gospel, Jesus again and again expresses a deep concern for the defenseless and vulnerable in society. He talks about the children, the "least of these," widows and orphans, the poor, the hungry. In fact, in the passage just prior to this Jesus warns about the danger of causing the "little ones" to stumble and in the passage following he talks about the importance of welcoming children.

The "divorce text" of Mark's Gospel should not be read in isolation. It fits with the text that precedes and follows it. It is not about divorce and marriage at all. It is about our responsibility to care for those who cannot care for themselves, our responsibility to defend those who are vulnerable.

Women whose husbands divorced them in the ancient world were often left with nothing. Whereas divorced men often got a free pass, divorced women were often ostracized and left with no means to make ends meet. Questions about divorce in the ancient world are not the same as divorce in 21st century America. Jesus calls for a personal and communal responsibility that does not throw away relationships and - more importantly - that does not throw away people.

Divorce and broken relationships are important topics, but not this Sunday. This Sunday, Jesus reminds to us to defend the defenseless. This Sunday, Jesus reminds us to make sure that our relationships (all of them!) do not treat other children of God as if they are disposable. This Sunday, Jesus reminds us of our responsibility to care for those whom our society has forgotten.

"Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it." ~Mark 10:15

Image: "Third Rail" by David L Hansen,License: Creative Commons (Attribution/NonCommercial/NoDerivs). 

Twitter Matrimony!

Ours was a wedding that embraced everything that technology can do to enhance the sense of community and our worship. More about that later, I am sure, as I continue to reflect on the events of last weekend. For now, here is our twitter stream.

This are all of the tweets about our wedding (as marked with our two wedding hashtags, #epicenterofmatrimony and #megarev). Our many friends who have protected or locked accounts also participated in this wonderful online worship experience, but their tweets are not captured by programs like this (Megan & I saw your tweets, thank you!). 

Enjoy this glimpse into what the community of Christ looks like when it gathers from around the world to rejoice together.

Getting Married ... Twice

Today is our wedding. Sort of. Kind of. A little bit. Let me back up and explain.

In most American church weddings, two things happen. First, a marriage license is signed, which was issues by the state. This document entitles a couple to the legal and financial privileges that come from being married. The legislature decides who can receive this license, the rights provided by at are guaranteed by the court system, and the person who signs it does so as an agent of the state.

Second, the church declares God's blessing on the couple and their life together and the community offers their prayers and support to them. The church (or the parent church body) decides who may or may not receive this blessing.

In most American church weddings, these two things happen at the same time. The pastor functions as the representative of both the church and the state. This -- as one might imagine -- produces some sticky questions. What happens when the state says a marriage is legal, but the church says that it is not a holy relationship? Or vice-versa, what happens when the church says a relationship is holy, but the state does not legally recognize it? By what criteria does the state authorize a person as a member of the clergy? And many many others.

This wasn't always the case. In the Roman world, the church was not recognized as any sort of authority. Why would the Roman Empire care whether or not a couple received a blessing from an underground, illegal sect? And so, couples would have their relationship recognized by the magistrate, to receive the legal benefits of marriage. And then they would ask their priest to bless that relationship in a separate act.

As the structures of the Roman world began to fall apart, the church took over the legal aspect of marriage. In the Middle Ages, the church was a state-supported institution. The local prince would often make the decision about who the local priest should be, and his salary would come out of the state's treasury.  In this time, a couple would stand outside of the doors of the church where the priest would perform the legal marriage. Then, married already in the eyes of the state, the couple would enter into the church to receive the blessing of God and the prayers of the community.

In much of the industrialized world, there has been a return to the older model. Couples go to the courthouse to get legally married. And then they go to their faith community to ask for a blessing on that marriage. As the rest of the world adopted the example of the American revolution - which rejected the idea of a state-supported church - they have sought to separate the work of the courthouse from the work of the church.

As a pastor, I am not called to government work. There are people who are gifted at it, and for whom I give thanks. But I am not one of them. I don't want to be in the business of being an agent of the state. In my study of church history, it does not work out well for the church when it starts doing the work of the state.

As a couple, Megan and I think that there is a difference between what is legal and what is holy. And we want to be intentional about those things. And so we are separating them out. We want the benefits of a marriage that is recognized by the government of the United States, and so we are getting a legal marriage. We also want the blessing of God on our marriage, and the prayers of our community, so we are getting a church marriage.

Let me be clear. Most Americans do both the legal and the religious marriage at the same time. Those are good, holy, and legal marriages. I am not disparaging those weddings. I am, however, asking if perhaps it is time to rethink how we as a church and country recognize the relationships of people who chose to spend their life together.

So today is our wedding. Our legal, state recognized wedding. When we fill out forms that ask about our legal status as a couple, this will be our anniversary.

And Sunday is our wedding. Our celebration with our family, friends, and community of faith. Sunday is when we are asking for God's blessing on our life together. When it is time to celebrate with friends and family, this will be our anniversary.

same-sex marriage, theology of marriage, holy matrimony, gay marriage, church and state

Why Do Weddings Matter?

Buckle in. Here's a shock: as I sit here writing my monthly newsletter article I have marriage on my mind. Maybe it has something to do with long to-do list I have sitting next to me, with things to get done for my own wedding.

So the most basic question: What exactly is a wedding? Or, to put it another way, why does a wedding matter?

We most often think about a wedding as being all about the couple. It is when the couple says their vows to one another, it is their special day, it is a celebration of their love. All those things are nice, but I think that they miss much of the point of the Christian wedding service. Vows could be said before a justice of the peace, or even in private. And ideally, any couple should be celebrating their love for one another every day.

Such an assumption about the importance of a wedding also misses point of Lutheran worship. The theological emphasis of Lutheran worship is not on the worshipers. No, wedding is first and foremost not about the bride or the groom, but about God.

In a service of marriage, we ask for God to bless the life of the bride and groom. No matter how nice the bride’s dress, no matter how cute the flower girl, the center of attention at a wedding is God. The most important part of a wedding is what God does. God blesses the couple, and the community.

But then the bride and groom, right? Nope. Secondly, a church wedding is about the community. Again, a couple could go off and get married in a private ceremony (and many couples do that—these are also holy and blessed marriages). But to get married in the church, surrounded by the community of faith, gives the community an important role to play. Those who are gathered at the wedding act on behalf of the whole church, on behalf of the whole people of God. On behalf of the church, the community that is gathered witnesses the couple’s vows. But even more importantly, the community that is gathered also makes a vow, to support and care for the couple. A wedding is about the support and prayers of the community of faith.

Only at the very bottom of the list, the church wedding is about the vows of the couple. There—in the presence of God and the community—the couple declares their vows to one another. Blessed by God, blessed by the community, the couple goes out to live their life.

 There are lots of different sorts of weddings—from big church weddings to services at the courthouse to an elopement. No matter the setting, these are the things that matter in a wedding service: God—community—and the couple.

This is an edited version of my September 2012 newsletter article for St. John Lutheran Church of Prairie Hill. 

A Wedding Sermon

Wedding sermons are unique - they are sort of like a conversation between the pastor and the couple, but a conversation when you know that everyone else is listening in and you are also speaking to them. This was the conversation I had with William and Jennifer on the occasion of their wedding at St. John - Prairie Hill. Texts for the day were Genesis 2:18-24, Colossians 3:12-17, and John 15:9-12.

Grace and peace to you in the name of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


It really is a joy to be here today, gathered with you, William and Jennifer, and surrounded here by all of your family and friends. It is one of the privileges of my job that I am invited to be a part of celebrations like this – and I thank you for inviting me to be a part of this special day.

After the service today, when everyone is gone, I will go back to my office, and I will sign this piece of paper (Hold up Marriage License). Apparently there was some question about whether you would remember to get this on time. I don’t know, that’s just what I was told.

But this is your marriage license. It was given to you by the state of Texas, and I will send it back to the state of Texas. Everyone who has been married in Texas has one of these.
Some folks have it in a nice frame, up on the wall somewhere in their house.
Some might have it in a lock box with other important documents to keep it safe.
Maybe some are like the lawyer who had his marriage license out and was reading it one night, when his wife asked him what he was doing. He said, “Looking for a loophole.”


Regardless of what you do with this piece of paper, I want to tell you a secret; you know, just between the three of us …

It’s just a piece of paper. Really. That’s all.
This piece of paper is not a marriage.
In fact, everything we are doing today is not a marriage. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great day. It is wonderful to be in this place, with all these people, witnessing your vows to one another. This place where grandparents said their vows, and where parents said their vows – it is good to be here.

But as good as it is to be here, don’t get confused: this is a wedding, not a marriage.

What makes a marriage is what comes next.

What makes a marriage is what you do tomorrow, and the next day, and the following weeks and months and years.

For many weddings, the couple will look at my list of recommended readings and say, “Pastor, you just choose something.” Or they’ll use First Corinthians chapter 13, because it is what is used at everyone else’s wedding, right? And that’s fine for those people. But not for William & Jennifer.

We talked quite a bit about what readings would be most appropriate today. What would express the life that they want to live together. And I am glad we settled on what we did today, Especially that Gospel lesson from Saint John.

Especially that one little bit – the bit that often gets cut out of wedding services: “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends.” As we talked about it, the question was asked, “Surely that’s not appropriate for a wedding?”
And the answer is: few things could be more appropriate.

Because here is the truth: Chances are that you will never be asked to give up your life for your spouse. But, you will have to give up yourself for your spouse.
Marriage is not a piece of paper, it is a gift.

Jennifer, today you will give yourself to William.
And William, today you will give yourself to Jennifer.

Those are the words that we used as we began this service: William, will you give yourself to Jennifer, to share your life with her? And Jennifer, will you give yourself to William, to share your life with him?

Marriage is a gift, the gift of yourself, of your life. And it is not just today.

Every day from here forward, you must continue to give yourselves to one another. That is a marriage.

It means letting go of petty fights about who is right and who is wrong.
It means putting your spouse’s interests – their wants and desires and happiness – ahead of your own.
It means, William, that Jennifer’s happiness is more important than yours.
And it means, before you smile about that to much, Jennifer, that William’s happiness is more important than yours. That is a marriage.

That is precisely what Jesus means when he gives his disciples their one and only commandment, to love one another. That is what Paul means, when he tells us to be clothed in love. That is what means to become one flesh, forever joined together.

You are each your wedding gift to one another. And your marriage is the gift of continuing to give yourselves to one another.

A warning. It must be both of you, and it must be a decision you continue to make every day.

And with that gift to each other, with that shared love, I know that you will have a marriage that will last through the ages, and stand as a witness to all of the love of God. God bless you.

But that’s enough of me talking; let’s get to the main event. William and Jennifer, I invite you to come and begin the adventure of your marriage by declaring your vows to one another here in the presence of God and of God’s people.